The Kingdom of Heaven

Today i was watching some of Kingdom of Heaven nad as they were in the battle, i know there were lots of battles, the muslims were attacking the city and i really felt something telling me to do a post. I'm not quite sure what it is that i'm going to be posting about so bare with me if it getd all confusing. As i was watching the battle i just had this great sence of thanks-giving, not just to God but also to the people who fought the Muslims. I don't know why i felt that because in a way they weren't helping much as they were causing more destruction. I want to thank god for lwtiing me be born in this day and age when i haven't had to see a world war or anything like when the Muslims and Christians were fighting for Jerusalem. I feel like at the moment i'm not as close to god as i want to be and as close to him as i have been in the past. I don't know how to get closer to him as at church.. youth group..there have been some not disagrements but there have been differences in opinions, so trying to get closer to God there is out of the question, and at home when ever i try to i always get interupted by some one or something like i have to go out or i have to go for dinner or something stupid like that. I also just get side tracked easily which is just so agravating. It feels like i don't care if as i get side track, it feels like i'm trying hard enough to stay focused. Which makes me thinjk God will be disapointed at me as i can't even stay focused on him, which is worse then him hating me. I don't know why it's worse it just is.
Please God i ask you to help me to stay on what i'm tyroing to do, praise you, as i don't want you to be disapointed in me and i want to please you all the days of my life in every way possible so i can fulfill the plan you have for my life from before i was born...

I want to be able to tell my friends about God as i know we were all called to do that and that that is one of the things all of us have in common, a plan from God for our life, but i just find it so hard. I know every one does but for me i just can't seem to ruster up the courage to talk about him. which i find lets me down as a Christian.. i know it lets me down.. as i can't even share my love for god, my belief in and for god, and really my life. In a way by not telling them about god i'm lying to them as he is all that matters to me and if i was with out him after having him life itself would not be worth living. It would be totally pointless, there would be no reason to live. Why can't i just say that to them, whwy is it i bottle out of it when push comes to shove?

... I pray that you would show who to talk to and what to say to who. That i would be able to feel your presence with at all times, so that if i did want to bottle out i would have comfort in the fact that i have eternal life after this life on earth so it doesn't matter if i get made fun of or to be bullied fpe what i believe in as you would be keeping in my mind a eternal prespective...

To me i feel like a failure, i feel as thiugh there is no point trying to be a good christian as i have messed up big time and so mant times in the past. It brings tears to my eyes wheni think about the grace of God. the fact that he doesn't care about what i have done in the past and all he wants is me to love him too. How amazing is that! I mean, oh my gosh, how unbelieveibliy awsome is that!! He loves us no matter hwat we've done or will do or what we think would have made him hate us, the only thing he hates is the devil.
I'm just glad God will let some one like me into THE KINGDOM of HEAVEN