could i BE wearing any more clothes?!

could i be wearing any more clothes?! oh i know, maybe if i wasnt going comando! hmpf! it sure is hot in here i really shouldnt do any, oh i dont know, lunges!

in a moment eveything can change
feel the wind on your shoulder
for a minute all the world can wait
let go of your yesterday
can you hear it calling
can you feel it in your soul
can you trust this longing
and take control

fly
open up the part of you
that wants to hide away
you can shine
forget about the reasons
why you can in life
and start to try
cause its your time
time to fly

all your worries
leave them somewhere else
find a dream you can follow
reach for something when
there's nothing left
and the worlds feeling hollow

can you hear it calling
can you feel it in your soul
can you trust this longing
and take control
fly
open up the part of you
that wants to hide away
you can shineforget about the reasons
why you can in life
and start to try
cause its your time
time to fly

and when you're down and feel alone
just wanna run away
trust yourself and don't give up
you know you better than anyone else

in a moment everything can change
feel the wind on your shoulder
for a minute all the world can wait
let go of yesterday

fly
open up the part of you
that wants to hide away
you can shine
forget about the reasons
why you can in life (can in life)
and start to try (start to)

fly
forget about the reasons
why you can in life (can in life)
and start to try (start to try)
cause its your time
time to fly


i cpoied the words from stina's blog as i also love this song..and now have borrowed the cd off her too..
in a moment everything can change

tuesday

Tuesday 17th January 2006

Oh my gosh!!!!!!!

If any of you thought I was obsessed with the OC before today, you would be correct but now I would say I am even more so. I was alone watching it today as Rob, mum, dad and Chris were all out at three separate places. And as the episode ended (can't believe I'm going to put this on here) I wanted to cry!
Yes, I admitted it on my blog to all you wonderful people, that I, Nicola Louise Grant, had tears in her eyes when Ryan Attwood punched the new school dean at the end as Marissa was out of the school, and the dean was escorting her out of the carnival and holding her arm to tight so he was hurting her, and as you may or may not know…and if you don’t you obviously don’t watch the program and I am ashamed of you…so he lashed out at the sight, and sound of her saying he was hurting her, of his girlfriends angish and made the dean bleed.
So then the dean was delighted to say that he didn’t have to work to find a way for him to be kicked out of the school after all.

Monday 16th January 20:08

Monday 16th January 20:08

I've got this thing called hello and Hat added me onto it. I also have MSN Messenger. Hello can be used just like MSN Messenger but you can send and receive pictures easier...supposedly (we haven’t done it) and when you type things like, ‘love’ or ‘heart’ a love heart floats down the screen. You can also do emoticons like ‘; )’ ‘:o)’ ‘: (‘ and such like and they all float down to the bottom of the screen, hat and I have had lots of fun and laughs making millions of stuff fall to the bottom.

Anyway, back to the reason of this post. As you may or may not have read from my last post, I am doing SPAM for a week. So I have chosen not to use the internet unless needed for school purposes. I turned on my computer today and played on Sims 2 for a while. When I log on to the computer it automatically starts signing me into MSN, so I stopped it logging me on before I went on Sims. So as I had stopped signing in, I went on the game. I had made a family previously so all I had to do was furnish their house and get playing. So I did. All the while, it turned out I was signed on to hello too. This was not something I knew of or had intended on doing/being. But I only found this out when I got bored of playing with the Cummings’ family so I quit the game. As the program terminated, I saw the little sign at the side of my screen which comes up when some one is talking to you. So I though, “A’ crap!!”

The message was from hat, it had to be as she is my only contact on it at the moment, and it read this, ‘I thought you weren’t going on any internet type things’… well it said that basic message, I can’t remember the exact words she used.

From reading this I thought hat was worried that I had lost my will power and had already given up on spam not even after the first whole day.
So hat, if that was what you were thinking, please don’t be disappointed in me as I wasn’t on the internet, well my computer, was but I wasn’t. : ]

Love always Bambi xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx

Ps. All this week if I do get any inspiration or get a feeling that there is something I need to post I will write it on word and post it...them… either Monday or any day next week. Sorry if you don’t read this post till late in the week and you think I'm ignoring you and your blog’s as I'm not commenting. In a way I am ignoring them but that’s because I'm ignoring the internet. But as soon as I can I will check out all your blog’s and comment!




(19/01/06) I kind of failed last night, sorry.

all this week

i wont be able to update or go on msn all this week as i am doing a 'SPAM' week.
basically im taking out the thing i put the most before i go to god 'away' for a week. so i will not blog, comment, talk on msn or do anything to do with the inter net..unless i have to use it for home work.. untill 22nd(?).

but if we need to talk u can call me, text me or see me on thursday

love always bambi xxxxxxxxx

all alone in her room
with no-one to listen
no-one's shoulder to cry on
she sits there
waiting
crying
thinking
hoping
longing
dying
no-one understands
every one tells her to grow up and forget
they hate her for going on about him
she hates herself for losing him
she wishes he knew
she didn't know what to say
and she didn't know any way
there's no light at the end of the tunnel j
ust a bridge she has to burn
then one day she gets
up and goes out
out of her prison
that she created for herself
and when she's alone outside in the world
she see's some one
they see her
they look at each
other as they stand still
every one moving around them
they just stare
stare into the nothingness in the others eyes
he see's despair, pain and hurt
she see's love, comfort and hope
some one walked rushedly by pushing her over
she can't get up
the pain is all rushing back
she see's no point to life
then as she kneel's
a pair of feet appear in her sight
who is this
he kneel's down too
but she won't look at him
she doesn't want to get hurt again
she fears it could kill her
her hair has fallen over her eyes
he puts down his shopping beside him
then he opens his mouth to say some thing
but then close's it not knowing what to say
so instead he moves the hair from her eyes
places his hand under her chin
and gently lifts her head
to see her eyes
he smiles she moves her head away,
his smile fades
her head turns to the street
her eyes land on a couple
they look so happy just to be together
again she looks into his eyes
he smiles, she trys
she thinks to herself, if i let you in,
don't hurt me
i've been hurt too many times before
and i can't take any more pain in my life
she's not the type of girl to let a man help her off her feet
not any more
not after all the heartache and heartbreak she's been through
she see's his loving look
he shows her he won't hurt her
she's not sure
up he rises
streches out a hand
waits
nothing
he looks sadened
she feels its her fault
them a smile half forms on her face
out his arm goes once more
she gladly takes it
he glady helps her up to her feet
they look at each other again
wondering what lies beneth the surface of their skin
what is under all the hurt
all the suffering

dreaming.............

I’m madly in love with my boyfriend and he’s madly in love with me. But we just had a stupid argument about nothing really and we had the argument at his place so I stormed out and ran back home, as soon as I got in it starts to rain and storm tremendously hard. Then after about half an hour he has ran all the way over here in the pouring rain and I look at of my window and see him standing there. Soaked right through to the bone, and he’s not saying anything or doing anything other than just standing outside of my house in the middle of a storm staring at my through the pane of glass. All the while I had been in my bedroom just got changed into my pj’s – I always change into them when I’m sad and then slob around for ages – and sitting on the windowsill with a box of tissues and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream in the other hand. So as I see him I jump up to my feet, and for a while we are just staring at each other through the glass, then I run down stairs and out onto the road where he is standing...still in my pj’s... and for about a minute we say nothing and do nothing. Just look deeply into the others eyes. Then he say’s sorry and asks me this, “I know you will say no but I was just wondering of you would make my dreams come true and be the only woman in my life and become my wife?” I just look at him, and run up to him, throw my arms around him and then we passionately kiss for about half an hour, still outside in the rain me in my pj’s and him in his soaked through and through clothes. Then after he says, “So I guess that means yes, then?” We head into my house and sit by the fire drying off, and then I ask, “How did you know I would be at home, I told you I was going to my friend Summer's house and I told you not to call me? Why didn’t you go over hers then once you found out I wasn’t there came here? Why did you come here first?”
“Sweetie, it’s because I love you too much not to know you wouldn’t want to see any one right now and that you would only want to be with your second favourite men, Ben and Jerry. And it’s because I love so much that I had to argue with you, which you know is the one thing on earth I hate the most, so I could get you to go home. So I could get the engagement ring and kiss you in the rain like you had always wanted your ‘dream guy’ to do.”
“Oh!” I say a little embarrassed as he had found out my only secret from him “How did you find out about that, the only person I told was Summer and she had told me she wouldn’t tell any one about it” I say rather disappointed at her.
“So you wish we hadn’t had a kiss in the rain and fulfilled your dream, do ya? Oh well, I know not to find out your dreams and then make them come true when we’re married?!”
“No I do but, oh I don’t know I, oh never mind I don’t want to spoil the moment.”
We sat there for hors just holding each other, talking to each other and gazing into the others eyes.

That night, after he had gone home I rang Summer and asked her about it. She told me she knew she wasn’t supposed to tell but she knew why he wanted to know and all she wanted was for me to be happy, especially after the way I had been treated in the past by men. So I too knew she had only told him so that my dream would come true with the man of my dreams.

She came over the next day to see me, and the ring of course, and she made mw tell her every single detail and every thing I felt and what it was like to have your dream come true. It was a day I will never forget the rest of my life, I think so far it has been the best day of my life. The only thing that could possibly top it would be our wedding day. I can imagine it now: I would be in a beautiful white dress holding a beautiful bouquet of red roses, my bride’s maids in deep red dresses with white shoals and little bouquets of red and white roses. There would be red and whit e roses all around the church, they would of course look tasteful-not at all tacky or and thing less then magnificent, the church would be amazing, the grooms men would look so very dashing, the brides maids would look gorgeous, the groom would be the second best looking person in the whole church. And me, well I would look outstandingly breathtaking in the whitest beyond white dress any one will ever see. This would be the most special day of our entire lives; it would be the beginning of the rest of our lives, which we will spend loving each other less then yesterday and a little more tomorrow. We will never break up as true love NEVER fails and we will live happily ever after. Our life would be like a fairy tale loving each other…and the children we will have. All the days of our lives and after that when we have reached the eternal life with Jesus.

What Is This?

I feel really weird at the moment..I dont know why..which is the most annoying part of it all. I really have no idea what im feeling, I think its a mixtue of sadness, and thats all I know I am feeling but I do know its not just sadness.
The sadness is mostly harry's fault, I'm ginger fat scum, and if I ask why he is horrid to me he says "Its coz your ginger fat scum and no one likes you so its ok to be mean to you as you have no one to stand up for you, not that if you did have friends they would stand up for you as they would only like you as a joke!"
So there you go, I have only fake friends according to harry. All my life people have hated me, made fun of me and generally hurt me for fun. And I cant take it any more, I just want to give up, throw it all away. And I aslo want to know why god wants me to live an unhappy life, why did he make me ginger and over weight? Why do I have to be the one to get hurt for all the days of my life.
And now some one will be thinking to themselves, "What a selfish girl to think she is the only one to be feeling this". Well I know I'm not the only one feeling this but I do feel alone when I feel this as I'm told have no real friends which believe it or not if you've heard it as much as I have..my whole life..you do really kinda start to believe it. So if you're reading this and you think I'm being selfish, think again!
And besides, my blog, my choise to put whatever I want to post about. So if you dont like it poo you.
This isn't the first time I've felt like this actually I've felt this alot before now and I really want to know why I'm feeling this/have felt like this. So if any one has felt like this..or is felling this..or knows what it is I am feeling then can you please let me know as it sucks very much to be feeling like this as I am confused and afraid and I don't know why.
Always and Forever, Niki xxxxxxxx

The Kingdom of Heaven

Today i was watching some of Kingdom of Heaven nad as they were in the battle, i know there were lots of battles, the muslims were attacking the city and i really felt something telling me to do a post. I'm not quite sure what it is that i'm going to be posting about so bare with me if it getd all confusing. As i was watching the battle i just had this great sence of thanks-giving, not just to God but also to the people who fought the Muslims. I don't know why i felt that because in a way they weren't helping much as they were causing more destruction. I want to thank god for lwtiing me be born in this day and age when i haven't had to see a world war or anything like when the Muslims and Christians were fighting for Jerusalem. I feel like at the moment i'm not as close to god as i want to be and as close to him as i have been in the past. I don't know how to get closer to him as at church.. youth group..there have been some not disagrements but there have been differences in opinions, so trying to get closer to God there is out of the question, and at home when ever i try to i always get interupted by some one or something like i have to go out or i have to go for dinner or something stupid like that. I also just get side tracked easily which is just so agravating. It feels like i don't care if as i get side track, it feels like i'm trying hard enough to stay focused. Which makes me thinjk God will be disapointed at me as i can't even stay focused on him, which is worse then him hating me. I don't know why it's worse it just is.
Please God i ask you to help me to stay on what i'm tyroing to do, praise you, as i don't want you to be disapointed in me and i want to please you all the days of my life in every way possible so i can fulfill the plan you have for my life from before i was born...

I want to be able to tell my friends about God as i know we were all called to do that and that that is one of the things all of us have in common, a plan from God for our life, but i just find it so hard. I know every one does but for me i just can't seem to ruster up the courage to talk about him. which i find lets me down as a Christian.. i know it lets me down.. as i can't even share my love for god, my belief in and for god, and really my life. In a way by not telling them about god i'm lying to them as he is all that matters to me and if i was with out him after having him life itself would not be worth living. It would be totally pointless, there would be no reason to live. Why can't i just say that to them, whwy is it i bottle out of it when push comes to shove?

... I pray that you would show who to talk to and what to say to who. That i would be able to feel your presence with at all times, so that if i did want to bottle out i would have comfort in the fact that i have eternal life after this life on earth so it doesn't matter if i get made fun of or to be bullied fpe what i believe in as you would be keeping in my mind a eternal prespective...

To me i feel like a failure, i feel as thiugh there is no point trying to be a good christian as i have messed up big time and so mant times in the past. It brings tears to my eyes wheni think about the grace of God. the fact that he doesn't care about what i have done in the past and all he wants is me to love him too. How amazing is that! I mean, oh my gosh, how unbelieveibliy awsome is that!! He loves us no matter hwat we've done or will do or what we think would have made him hate us, the only thing he hates is the devil.
I'm just glad God will let some one like me into THE KINGDOM of HEAVEN